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Do You Feel Trapped In Your Marriage? Written by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
Frequently a person, who comes to me for coaching reveals she/he is a dissatisfied with his/her marriage and wants to leave. A woman generally believes she can not because financially her lifestyle plummets. Likewise a man wants to leave his marriage, but he believes he can not for financial reasons. He reasons that he will lose 50 per cent of the savings, possessions, the house, etc. A big sacrifice he laments. If there are children it is often believed staying together for the children’s sake is the ultimate gesture of being a good parent. There is considerable controversy regarding staying in the relationship for the sake of the children. There is a plethora of research on the topic. One such researcher, Dorree Lynn, PhD states, “When a parent stays in a marriage for the sake of the children, they put a terrible burden on the children. It is too much to ask a child to be the only glue that holds a family together. When parents who have wanted a divorce all along, finally get one after the children have left home, the children feel betrayed and lied to. They also feel angry that the myth of the perfect family has been broken. They wonder what has been true and what has been a lie. They also, though this is far from rational, resent the fact that if you have stayed together so long, why would you bother to separate after they have gone. Even grown-up children tend to be quite self-centered in their outlook, partially because you have helped make them that way. They think, if you have sacrificed for them all along, why won't you continue to do so? They will always want their home to come home to.” If the parents divorced long ago, the children will adapt to having two homes to which they can go back as adults. Furthermore, if you stay in a relationship solely for the sake of the children, you are role modeling how marriage is—lifeless and loveless. Whereas, if you divorce you are role modeling that individual happiness is important. The truth is anyone can leave a relationship at any time, but frequently the dissatisfied party is not willing to leave because of the loss of possessions and quality of life that would result. Two people can live more cheaply than one. The fact is there is only one rent or mortgage payment, one cable bill, one electric bill, and one water bill—albeit the water and electric bill is slightly higher for two people. Two people can share groceries more efficiently than singles, who frequently experience food spoiling before it can be eaten. Not to mention a single person can seldom eat the large quantities of warehouse food buying, which is cheaper per pound. Although, couples who travel together share one hotel room, many single people travel together and share a room. Two people can afford luxury items—boat, quad, house whereas singles may not be able to purchase such luxury items. Dissatisfied spouses often look around at what they have amassed during the course of a long marriage and they are simply unwilling to give up possessions, lifestyle, property, house, or their various creature comforts. That is understandable. However, one needs to look at how comfortable are the "comforts" if you are miserable in your relationship? How much do you enjoy your boat, motor home, time share, etc. when you and your spouse have not spoken to or had a loving interaction with each other in months? Is it worth it to have a half-million dollar house where the two of you avoid ending up in the same room with each other? Is it enjoyable to play your state-of-the-art music system when there is no one to share it with? Some people become disgusted enough with the relationship that they do stop caring about what they will lose and they decide they will leave. However, when they look at what they will lose, they get angry and they believe the other person in the relationship is the one who deserves to lose. Most people who are very disgusted with their relationships are convinced that it's the other person's fault, whatever it is. However, that is not the case. Marriage is a two-way street. It takes two people to make a good one and two people to make a bad one. No one person can truly destroy a marriage all by him or herself without some help from the partner. If the marriage is a mess, each party has a shared responsibility in the mess. If you are the one who wants to walk away from your relationship, you are not automatically entitled to take everything with you. If you go, you may need to go empty-handed. Stuff is just stuff. Money is just money. You can replace stuff, but your mental and spiritual health and your happiness are priceless. If you have exhausted all possibility of reconciliation, you need to leave the relationship for your mental, spiritual health and happiness. Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Life Coach, Hypnotherapist, Author, "101 Great Ways To Improve Your Life." Dr. Dorothy has the unique gift of connecting people with a broad range of profound principles that resonate in the deepest part of their being. She brings awareness to concepts not typically obvious to one's daily thoughts and feelings. http://www.drdorothy.net
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